Satirical Poems
Our Father, in synchronous orbit
over Saint Louis, Mo.
Hallow each missile of war hit
that we score against Thy foe.
To kingdom come
let us blow the scum...
that Earth, like the heavens, may glow.
And oversee
our GNP,
that others may see the light.
Forgive our retreats
and shameful defeats,
as we forgive those still benighted.
And lead us not into inflation,
but deliver us from taxation,
that we may expand our economy
and our hegemony
with impunity
forever.
Amen!
The 700 Club Prayer
(Decreed by His Eminence, Lord Pat Robertson, to be recited at all public events)
Yahweh above, didst contract Thee
to keep our people free.
Of all the tribes in all the world,
just ours alone Thou chose.
Thou hid Thy face from scholars all
‘til Moses Thou didst see
up on a hill top where Thou
ten instructions did disclose.
We’ve striven hard throughout the years
to make our bargain stick.
But Pagans heard
about Thy Word
and leaked it to the press.
Now they all say,
alas, that they
are the darlings Thou didst pick.
Then foreign troops claimed Jewish wives;
all told, the plan’s a mess!
If lovest us like Thou didst say,
how justify Thee this:
Two thousand years of punishment
despite our pious prayers.
Six million dead in Holocaust.
Where did we go amiss?
The Christians sneer
we take no heed of Satan and his snares.
To them we say, “We don’t believe
that Satan’s real, you see.
With such a God protecting us,
who needs an enemy!
The Rabbi's Prayer
Billy Graham, farmer, rookie baseball player,
part-time Fuller Brush man, grew tired of honest working.
So Daddy said to Willie, “Be a demon slayer,
and go to Bible College. We’ve had it with your shirking.”
“You’re no academic; clearly, that’s a factor,
but they’re not very choosy, and preachers are not scholars.
You’ve looks and charm sufficient to be a movie actor.
So thump that Bible soundly and bring home lots of dollars.”
Billy was successful beyond all expectation,
A Bible College made him an honorary doctor -
but for a million dollars - was their stipulation.
Now heads of state consult him, this fairy tale concocter.
So listen, fortune seekers: the lesson is recurrent.
Remember, lack of brilliance is certainly no deterrent!
Pope Billy, the First
Jn. 3:16 -- Exegesis
For God so loved the world
that He created Hell.
His master plan unfurled
that in it all must dwell.
That He gave His only begotten Son
adds interest to the game.
He killed His son to increase His fun,
but accepted none of the blame.
That whosoever believeth on Him
and this imbecilic plot,
and believe that He wrote with a pseudonym
how all this was begot,
Shall not perish
in the fire
under Satan’s ministrations.
God will cherish all His ire
for learned disputations.
But have eternal life
in catatonic bliss
is the offer that is made
for swallowing all this.
Insanity run rife
is what we see displayed.
Therefore you can dismiss
the whole absurd charade!
The Power of Prayer
There once was a preacher named Bill,
Got caught with his hand in the till.
Said he, I shall pray
God will show me the way.
And we hear that he’s preying there still!
A Cozy Arrangement
Let’s drink a toast, my friend;
our church is here to stay.
Our scheme will never end;
on hope and faith we’ll prey.
We’ll scare the dummies blind
with threats of flaming hell -
manipulate their mind,
and take their purse as well.
The courts and press will say
how wonderful we are
to guide the nation’s way
passed dangers from afar.
And now the crowning gall:
We’ll pay no tax at all!!
Business is Business!
Once more we see a face displayed upon a shroud.
“The face of Christ,” they say. “The Bible proves it so.”
And then the press makes up reports to please the crowd:
“If not the Christ, then what? Tell us. We’d like to know!”
Fake scholars come around with instruments agleam.
Their papers plainly show they’re Christians without doubt.
And thus approved, are they accorded great esteem.
But heathen, being blinded, are promptly ushered out.
Through scientific jargon, they get their names in print.
Like forty shrouds before now, they say, “The faith we’ll save.”
“So come! What does it matter if data must be bent!”
Meanwhile some ancient artist is laughing in his grave.
So heed the words of Barnum that hokum never fails.
While priests and shills of Turin adroitly ring up sales!
Our son was dying; oh what were we to do?
The doctors said that they could save his life.
But God revealed that cutting is taboo.
So damned if I’d let him go ‘neath the knife.
‘Tis just through faith that death can be delayed.
So friends began to offer up their prayer:
“The courts be hanged; we’ll see Thy Will obeyed!
And please, Dear God, his life if Thy might spare.”
We saw that he was sinking fast, and so
we sent for him, of whom we heard it said
that he could heal. And God alone doth know
how we did pray. But now, praise God, he’s dead.
Alive, was he, but now, alas, a wraith.
God punished us, you see, for sinful lack of faith.
Oh Ye Faithless!
The Wages of Sin
I’m born again! Oh happy day!
The tabloid press will make me rich,
as headlines scream, “He’s Learned to Pray,
Says Mobster Boss Who’s Made the Switch.”
I’ll write a book ‘bout my misdeeds,
and make it plenty gory,
but add that “Deep within me bleeds
a heart now filled with glory.”
The lecture circuit I will make;
I’ll pack ‘em to the rafters:
“My sinful ways I now forsake,
and dwell on ever-afters.”
I learned a lot while in my cell;
I’ve learned that crime pays very well!
Infinite Regression
Everything must have a start, it’s plain as two plus two.
So God above created us out of the empty void.
How else explain why doggies bark, and Jersey cows go “moo?”
Don’t tell me it’s all chemistry and molecules helicoid!
Why, scholars state there was a date, a time in history,
when it all started with a bang, and matter did disperse.
If not for God to light the fuse, how solve this mystery?
Then they say that some fine day it will all go in reverse.
Now the day we fall in that black hole will be our Judgment Day.
Since matter cannot be destroyed, once more it will expand.
And so you see how cleverly God built all things this way.
And think how much greater He is than the things he planned.
But there are times, I must admit, when it does seem rather odd:
If everything has been designed, then who created God?
In Memoriam - John Paul I
(Who died of a heart attack after only a few weeks as pope)
The incarnation of Christ
got inconveniently iced
when Yahweh revealed,
with ire unconcealed,
that the appointment had not sufficed!
(and experiments in prosody)
Pope John Paul, Take Two
A pill,
a pope,
and still
no hope.
“An earth
patrol
for birth
control.”
Said he,
“We will
your free-
dom kill -
“lest sin
should win!”
The Novitiate's Orders
“John Paul, the First
is God made flesh.”
We say, “Our thirst
will he refresh.”
“For Christ can do
no wrong,” we say.
“So how dare you,
oh man of clay,
reproach the king
of all the world
that he should bring
some truth unfurled.”
And that’s the way
we earn our pay!
The Apostles' Creed -- A Reminder
Just to refresh your memory, the Apostles’ Creed is the official statement of
Catholic doctrine, which reads as follows:
Except for deletion of reference to the Catholic Church and the communion of
saints, most protestant churches also subscribe to this creed.
I believe in God the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth;
and in Jesus Christ, his only son, our Lord, who was conceived by
the Holy Spirit, born from the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius
Pilate, was crucified, died, and buried, descended to hell, on the
third day rose again from the dead, ascended to heaven, sits at
the right hand of God the Father almighty, thence will come to
judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy
Catholic Church, the communion of saints, the remission of sins,
the resurrection of the flesh, and eternal life.
The Apostles' Creed -- Explained by a Jesuit Priest
Jesus was cloned from the deity, sayeth the first ecumenical.
Freedom from human biology is not a dispensable principle.
For proof of the truth of the theory, skeptics are hung from a pinnacle.
Committed He then hara-kiri, for reasons incomprehensible,
by staging His own execution so Pilate would look indefensible.
Descended He then down to Hades to chat with the dark principalities.
But hanging around there for three days was far more than Satan could stand.
Thus He was sent back to Heaven, receiving their full cordialities.
Now issuing judgments on sinners, while sitting at Papa’s right hand,
He maintains surveillance of lovers to see that all births are unplanned.
A holy assistant called “Spirit” sometimes helps out with a miracle.
And saints take some of the load off through a division of work,
while quarrels about jurisdiction are resolved by decisions empirical.
Forgiveness of sin is extended to even the most monstrous jerk
so long as he thinks he’s a Christian, not some Mohammedan Turk.
No Hindu nor fearless freethinker will ever taste eternal bliss.
The Church is the only salvation from tortures of smoldering Hell.
One can live a life of debauchery, savoring every main sin.
Simply convert on your deathbed and Saint Peter will let you right in.
These are beliefs quintessential incumbent on all personnel.
To all but the hopelessly cynical
the eschatology’s sensible:
Assuming corporeality,
God traversed over the land,
dictating esoterical
cosmology to a clerk.
So those predestined to believe this,
and cannibalize Him as well,
a one-way ticket will win
to where he’s predestined to dwell.